It’s been awhile since I blogged anything here and I should be ashamed of myself. Over the past two years I’ve allowed my doubt and lack of self-worth as a writer along with depression color my thoughts. Don’t get me wrong I’ve written, yet been unable to finish a single thing unless you consider some inspired fan-fiction shorts. My personal circle of friends is small almost miniscule and most my days are filled with acting as mother, babysitter, and psychologist to most if not all of them. I don’t blame them in the least for my own shortcomings as a writer, but I have a tendency to put my friends before myself when it comes to my own dreams. Perhaps it’s because I have no children and I’m estranged from what immediate family I have remaining–who knows?
The thing is I feel as if they should give as good as they get. Is that a selfish thought? After all we are all simply people struggling to get through life day by day and looking for support from our friends to do so. The problem is I feel as if I’m that person you see at the party standing in the corner and watching the other attendees enjoy the festivities while they nurse a single malt scotch and become more of a shadow than an actual participant. The more silence, the deeper into the bog of self-recrimination and loneliness I manage to sink. Being invisible–or at the least feeling as if I am–has dragged me down to levels I never imagined myself visiting. Hell, in the past few months alone I’ve seriously considered letting go of being published ever again and throwing myself into my day job, hoping to convince my heart its enough, and get on with my damn life.
There is where I’ve been for what seems an eternity.
Now, this is where I need to be.
I need to quit being a negative Nelly and simply appreciate what I have. I also need to shit or get off the pot as my mother used to say. Whining and feeling sorry for oneself has never led to anything positive. The desire to be a writer is not simply a desire, but rather a part of who I am and always have been even when I bloody well didn’t realize it.
I need to quit expecting to find support where obviously there’s none. Just because I have common sense when it comes to friendship doesn’t mean others do. This isn’t to say my friends don’t care; they do I imagine, but they’re often caught up in the web of their own daily drama just as mine cocoons me. Being selfish never got me anywhere in the past so why should I backtrack into that particular mud track of negativity. Instead I need to focus on the future and what needs to be done to make my dream come true. After all its my dream–right?
To quit feeling sorry for myself is another step in the right direction. There are so many people out there that have it far worse than I ever could. At least I’m standing on my own two feet, have a roof over my head, and all the essentials. Sure I dream of doing things I no way in Dante’s Inferno will ever do considering my finances, but that’s why they call them dreams, dumb ass.
There is a place for me out there I simply need to find the correct path and once found must stick to it come Hell or high water. Just because the parade hasn’t started yet doesn’t mean it won’t. I figure its running a bit late is all. *laughs*
And now to end on another quote from my dearly departed mother…
Stop whining and pull yourself up by your bootstraps, dust your ass off, and keep on walking. If you don’t you’ll never get anywhere–will you?
There have never been wiser words spoken.