To be honest there is no answer to the question. I’ve been absentee for…damn over a year! I have no excuses or at least no excuses I haven’t used in the past. Same excuses…always. And that’s all they are stupid excuses for me to avoid the reality of the life I have. And what is this life you might ask? Have you got–I don’t know–a year?
Simple answer? I’ve been soul-searching, hiding under the bed covers, and hoping for a miracle that never seems to come. More than anything I’ve been neglecting myself (per usual) and focusing on helping friends best I can even as I run from the fucked up mess that is my life.
Sing it George! Of course in my case I do not have a monkey on my back. I have an entire fucking jungle of monkeys on my damn back. Most of said monkeys are dressed as circus clowns. They dance, walk the high wire, and generally thrown feces all over my fucking dreams.
Over the past year I’ve been sinking deeper into that pile of monkey poop that is my life. Allowing my own insecurities get the best of me and hiding behind the mask of reliability. That particular mask has been worn so long at this point the colors are faded and the paint beginning to peel. I suppose I could give the mask another fresh coat of paint, but honestly what the hell is the point?
I’ve outgrown the mask plus those damn monkeys have chewed it apart and spit it out like a half-rotted banana. Even if I wanted to apply a fresh coat of paint (which I don’t) I doubt I have the mad skills to repair the teeth marks.
So what now?
Good question. The problem is I don’t even know where to begin cleaning up this circus of monkey poo I’ve created. Maybe a bucket of soapy water and a pile of rags? Yeah, maybe…then again a huge pile of dynamite might be better.